
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8660152.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Character:
      Lily_Evans_Potter, James_Potter, Sirius_Black, Remus_Lupin, Fenrir
      Greyback, Peter_Pettigrew, Molly_Weasley, Arthur_Weasley, Severus_Snape,
      Lucius_Malfoy, Draco_Malfoy, Narcissa_Black_Malfoy, Nymphadora_Tonks,
      Neville_Longbottom, Hermione_Granger, Garrick_Ollivander, Trevor_the_Toad
      (Harry_Potter), Bane_(Harry_Potter), Aragog_(Harry_Potter), Fleur
      Delacour, Bill_Weasley, Charlie_Weasley, Percy_Weasley, Fred_Weasley,
      George_Weasley, Ron_Weasley, Ginny_Weasley, Dobby_(Harry_Potter), Teddy
      Lupin, Kingsley_Shacklebolt, Lavender_Brown, Luna_Lovegood, Giant_Squid_
      (Harry_Potter), Albus_Dumbledore, Aberforth_Dumbledore, goats_-
      Character, Fluffy_(Harry_Potter), Rubeus_Hagrid, Tom_Riddle_|_Voldemort,
      Bellatrix_Black_Lestrange, Rodolphus_Lestrange, Rabastan_Lestrange,
      Regulus_Black, Seamus_Finnigan
  Additional Tags:
      Homosexual_Romance, Heterosexual_Romance, Anal_Sex, Vaginal_Sex, Male
      Masturbation, Female_Masturbation, Hand_Jobs, Oral_Sex, Male_Pregnancy,
      Mpreg, Pregnancy, Incest, pregnant_incest, Animagus_Bestiality, Pregnant
      Bestiality, Bestiality, Double_Penetration, Magical_Sex_Toys, Cum_belly,
      Breeding_Kink, belly_inflation, Pregnancy_Kink, Underage_Sex, Mildly
      Dubious_Consent, Tentacle_Sex, Eggpreg, Egg_Laying, Object_Insertion,
      Harems, Threesomes, Moresomes, Irony, Porn_With_Plot, One-Shots,
      perverts, Dom/sub
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-11-26 Chapters: 1/? Words: 3185
****** The Sexual Secrets of Witches and Wizards ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     When you read too much (fan fiction) porn, this is what you got - A
     series of Ironic and sometimes funny porn One-Shots.
     Chapter One - Fear of Spiders – Aragog/Ron Weasley and Caught in the
     Act – James/Sirius/Lily
     Chapter Two - Accidental Penetration – Trevor/Neville/Lavender and
     Secret Forms of Wand Makers – G. Ollivander/Seamus/Hermione
     Chapter Three - An Incestuous Affair – Percy/Fred/George and Nanny
     knocked me up – Dobby/Draco
     Chapter Four - Inexperienced – Bill W./Charlie W./Fleur and Shape
     Shifter – Bane (Centaur)/N. Tonks
     Chapter Five - Riding Sin – Teddy Lupin (16)/Kingsley and My own
     Secret Creature – Giant Squid/Luna
     Chapter Six - Squeeze that Twinkie – Molly W./Arthur W. and A Herd of
     Goats – Aberfoth/Goats/Albus
     Chapter Seven - Feeling Lonely, Feeling Empty – Fluffy (Cerberus)/
     Hagrid and Dear Daddy – James/Harry
     Chapter Eight - ?
     Don't Read if you're uncomfortable with these themes.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. It belongs to its creator and
various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark
infringement is intended. Note: I do not condone Rape (humans or Animals) or
Statutory Rape (I will not Write anyone Under 16 having Sex, and if there is a
Non-Consenting Individual it is the Adult). Please do not comment or read if
you don't find the story either ironic, funny or arousing. I wanted to write a
series of ironic fan fiction porn... just for kicks - after reading way too
much myself. 
===============================================================================
Fear of Spiders – Aragog/Ron Weasley (Bestiality, Male Pregnancy) 
Draco’s taunting his fear of spiders was almost too much. Fifteen-years-old
Ronald Weasley had snuck away rubbing the tears from his eyes. He was on
Hogwarts grounds and after the reconstruction, a gorgeous garden had replaced
the war torn earth and bodies in memory of those who had fallen so many years
ago. His parents talked about it sometimes, the war that had changed the world
and was ultimately won by the dark side. Ron’s magic was inherited light and he
got a hard time over it. Only the Muggle-born students whose magic were neutral
spent any time with him, the School pariah. Ron sniffed before straightening
his spine. He wouldn’t be scared any more, he decided purposively marching
towards the forbidden forest. He charged in like the fool hardy Gryffindor he
was. What lay at the other end of his quest would shock him – Aragog was in
heat, for a male spider, the heat clouded his judgment and natural predatory
instincts until he laid eggs within his chosen vessel. As Ron marched firmly
towards the Acromantula nest, eyes watched his, judging him worthy of being
their father’s vessel. After the fifth queen had died it was determined that
Aragog was too magical powerful to lay his eggs within another Acromantula.
This male wizard would fit the position well. After whispering to each other as
Ron marched onwards, unaware of his examination, they made the decision to move
into action.
Ronald let out a shrill scream as two giant spiders appeared before him
blocking his path. He let out another girly scream as a massive spider behind
him wrapped a silken mass of web around his arms and legs effectively binding.
He dropped his wand. The spider foisted Ron onto his back and scuttled towards
the nest. “Please don’t eat me, please don’t eat me, please don’t eat me,” Ron
chanted as the Spider scuttled forward. A series of interconnect webs appeared
before him and Ron nearly fainted at the sight. The largest spider he had ever
laid eyes on appeared before them clicking his mouth pieces angrily, seemingly
panting in distress. Sudden the spider spoke in English to the terrified
wizard. “I am truly sorry about this young wizard,” the spider said in a faint
voice, “my children thought this as the only way to cure me.”
“Cure you?” Ron asked hesitantly. The spider has spoken to his respectfully and
seemingly without malice or carnivorous intent. Respect was rarely directed
toward him by his human peers. As the other spider left him down, Ronald
couldn’t help but ask, “Are you sick? Is there something I could do?”
“NO, I am not sick! Only if you wish to carry my children could you help me. I
am sorry. I will have one of my children escort you, back to the castle.”
Aragog said, almost whimpering in pain. While, Ron was not as acutely
interested in Magical Animals as his older brother, Charlie, he was empathetic
to their plight.
“Isn’t there another spider you could mate with?” Ron asked thoughtfully.
“Young Wizard, every mate I have taken as my Queen has died birthing my
children. I am simply to magically powerful to take a mate and spread my seed.”
Aragog said.
“And if you don’t mate?” Ron asked in a whisper.
“Then the heat consumes me and I slowly die.” Aragog replied sadly. The other
spiders clicked their mouth pieces sadly in remorse at the inevitable. Ron
clenched his hand into a fist as he made his decision.
“How long does the pregnancy last?” Ron asked softly.
“What?” Aragog asked startled.
“Just answer me, how long does it last?” Ron asked.
“You don’t understand, once the Queen has given birth and she survives the
process, we mate for life. For a female the pregnancy lasts nine months, but
for a male ten months. Are you so ready to give your life to me?”
“Very well, mate me and make me your Queen.” Ron demanded. It is fortunate that
male wizards can carry children whether human or not, just like witches. How
did they get Centaurs after all? Cassandra Trelawney had a few too many drinks
in the barnyard and enjoyed it immensely.  
“Are you sure about this little wizard?” Aragog asked, “This is something that
cannot be reversed.”
“I have made my decision Mr. Spider and a Gryffindor doesn’t go back on his
words!” Ron said.
“My name is Aragog, Mr. Gryffindor.” Aragog said, reaching forward for Ron with
his forelegs.
“And my name is Ronald Weasley.” Ron said. Aragog curled his legs around the
tall and gangly boy, before lifting him and tying his ankles and wrists in the
silken strands of the webbing. Aragog roared something to the other spiders and
they quickly fled. Aragog quickly divested Ron of his clothing with his
pincers, shredding them. The cool air brushed against Ron’s naked flesh, the
silken web rubbing against his front and hardening nipples and the indecency of
the whole act made lust pool in his lower belly. Ron gave a soft moan of
pleasure as his cock stiffened slightly. A hairy leg brushed against Ron’s
perfectly round ass and back. Ron shuddered slightly in anticipation.  The
legs’ part his cheeks and slickness is spread around his winking hole. Slowly,
agonizingly slow, and with carefully strokes the leg enters him spreading a
slight numbing agent. In and out, in and out the leg prepares him be breached.
Ron feels hot and sensitive to the touch. He is unconsciously rubbing his
awakening cock against the silken cords of the spider web.
“Oh god,” Ron says as the leg slips in deeper, as if in his stomach, but it is
slender. It’s nowhere as thick as he desires. Aragog stills, his panting
pronounced.
“Am I hurting you?” Aragog asks, breathlessly.
“NO,” Ron protests, “I want it in me, I want you in me.” Ron says, “I want you
to shove it in me.”
“Soon,” Aragog croons, “I just need a little more time.”
Ron glances over his shoulder and sees that the Spider’s prick in unsheathed
and at full mast, it’s tips producing pearly drops of liquid. Ron moans, “Oh,
god, I can’t wait until it is in me.” This excites Aragog and he returns to
preparing the young wizard. A second leg is added and soon, Ron feels
incredibly stretched, loose and ready for that big blunt prick inside of him
He’s moaning loudly now. “Please, please, inside.” Ron begs.
“Are you ready?” Aragog asks, he’s panting. The heat is getting to him. He
needs to cum in that deliciously sensitive bode below him. It’s incredible, the
heat the boy puts off. It makes Aragog want to push in his cock and never
remove it from that silken heat he can feel with his legs.
“If you ask me that one more time, I will start screaming.” Ron threatened.
Aragog gave into his carnal pleasure. Aragog rears up and presents his prick,
slowly pushing it into Ron. Tears of relief gather in Ron’s eyes. Then the
spider’s cock brushes his prostrate and Ron nearly comes. He holds on though
wanting to feel the seed of his spider, his Aragog, fill him first. Then Aragog
is fully seated in Ron, his cock push slightly against the skin of Ron’s belly
leaving a bump. Ron stares at it for a few moments. Soon it will expand, his
belly will expand with spiders and it will become heavy. He doesn’t regret this
as Aragog begins to pumping his cock in and out of him. Soon it feels like the
only thing holding Ron up is the silken web. He’s rocking back on the big cock
muttering obscenities and encouraging his mate, Aragog. Aragog strikes Ron’s
prostrate again and again. Until Ron can barely hold in his orgasm. Finally,
Aragog releases his hot cum into Ron. Ron screams and his orgasm explodes out
of him. Ropey spurts of cum spill onto the web.
When Ron comes back from his haze, he looks down at his once flat belly and
finds a slight pouch there. He wriggles a little and watches in both arousal
and morbid interest as it jiggles slightly. His ass if stuffed full of leafs to
hold in the seed. “Aragog,” he calls angrily. Aragog responds sleepily.
“Yes?” he answers his heat abating.
“Listen here mate of mine;” Ron says firmly, “You’re not taking a nap on me.
No, you’re going to fill me with your seed so much it hurts and my belly is
huge. When we’re done with that we’re going to sleep with your softening prick
in me.” Ron demanded. He says watching Aragog over his shoulder, seeing the
Spider’s interest grow in his inflating penis. “If we’re going to do this we’re
going to do it right.” Ron finishes.
The spider is already up and leaning against Ron, caressing his belly, “I never
understood the sexual habits of wizards and witches, but I am eager to learn.”
Aragog says shoving his already fully erect cock into Ron. Ron lets out a
whimper of slight pain, but mostly pleasure.
After three more rounds, Ron is satisfied. He drifts off to sleep, his belly
fully rounded and Aragog, curled around him, his cock in him still. Ron drifts
off to sleep as the first clutches of Aragog voices seem to become English to
his ears. He dreams of giving birth to many clutches and sharing meals with his
offspring at Weasley family reunions.
===============================================================================
Caught in the Act – James/Sirius/Lily (Animagus Bestiality, Pregnancy and Male
Pregnancy)
It was their filthy secret. It was their and their alone, not until the mutt
had his way with them. Two can share a secret, but three can breed one. Lily
would never admit it, but seeing James’s cock swell in his stag form made her
panties wet with want. She loved how deliciously large and thick it was. It was
idle curiosity at first, watching her husband’s penis swell, but then it
happened James lost control. They had been in the throes of passion, James
fucking her with his big and thick cock, but she still felt wanting. In near
orgasmic bliss, Lily said something she normally would have kept to herself.
“God James, your cock is so big, but fuck I wonder what your stag feels like.”
She was shocked with herself and she looked horrified for one brief moment.
James looked at her dumbfounded and she was about to apologize and flee the
room, but her words hit him and before he could help himself, he changed. The
stag’s erect cock filling her pussy, hot and unbearable large made her cum
right then around the massive cock. Her muscles contracted around his cock and
the stag came too, deep within her. She blacked out as the stag’s hot and
sticky seed sloshed around inside of her womb.
When she came too, James still in his stag form was plowing into her sore and
used, dripping pussy. Her pussy was swollen and abused, dripping thick and
sticky seed. She was horribly sensitive and she moaned wantonly at the stag
emptied his load into her again for gods knows how many times. The swollen cock
did not deflate and the stag began again. Lily loved it. She looked down and
paused. Her womb was so full of seed that her belly had swollen slightly,
distending. She didn’t look a month pregnant, but she liked it and was
determined to take in more.
By the early morning’s light, the insatiable stag had finally had enough. James
shifted, collapsing on her lightly distended belly before rolling off her. He
tried to pull out, but she wrapped her thighs around him. He lifted an eyebrow
and watched as she dug around in their sex toy draw until she removed a vaginal
plug and popped it in. Allowing his cock to slip past her legs. James and she
shared a long and silent look, “Let’s do that again.” She finally said. James
nodded slowly, his cock twitching before he winced.
“Yeah, I am completely into that, but I need to recover first.” He said.
Slowly she rolled to her feet, allowing the belly bump to hang, making it
appear even larger. She slipped on a pair of panties and a bra. James stared at
her curiously, “Aren’t you going to shower and well… empty yourself?” James
asked softly, unsure if he wanted her to do that in all honesty.
“Mr. Potter, you filled one of my few fantasies, I suppose I can handle your
belly kink and marking kink. So the answer is no, I am going to walk around our
house reeking of your cum and carrying it inside of me, until my belly does
swell with your child.” She said coyly.
James groaned, “I suppose, I should really not say this, but I found that
fucking hot, so Mrs. Potter, I am amendable to letting Prongs fuck you often
until your pussy and belly is satisfied.” He said. They were happy with this,
and Lily found herself aroused by her filled belly as it swelled each time with
the stag’s spunk. James pushed himself to pump more and more into her.
However, unbeknownst to either of them, they had been caught the very first
night with Prong’s cock up Lily’s cunt and her moaning like a wanton slut.
Sirius Black was very turned on and felt sick by his own perverse pleasure. He
found himself daydreaming and often masturbating to images of it. However, it
was this one fantasy he couldn’t get out of his head – Him fucking James as
Padfoot and James fucking Lily in his human form, Lily was swollen with child
or at least filled with Prong’s cum, in his daydreams. Sirius being the devious
man he was and unable to resist his own pleasure he plotted and planed.
As Prongs fucked her, fucked her real good, one evening the Floo activated, but
the couple were too engrossed in their own pleasure to recognize it for what it
was. Her belly was already inflated by several inches and she felt an erotic
satisfaction at her swollen belly. “James, Lily?” Sirius wondered in flipping
on the light and froze, jaw hanging. “What the fuck?” He mumbled as his eyes
glazed over slightly. James immediately transformed into his human form and
Lily covered herself with a throw (blanket). James was stammering and Lily
looked horrified. “Well, that was interesting,” Sirius finally responded,
swallowing nervously. It was Lily who noticed his partially erect cock, just as
he had planned. 
“Didn’t know you swung that way?” She said uncomfortable.
“I am bisexual, but you never asked.” Sirius said dumping himself on a chair
and resting his head in his hands. James ran a hand through his hair and sighed
frustrated.
“Are you attracted to Lily?” He asked uncomfortably.
“Yes, but I am also attracted to you James.” Sirius admitted not meeting his
best friend’s eyes, “In fact, I used to dream of fucking you as Padfoot as you
fucked Lily.” Both Potters stilled in surprise before Lily spoke up.
“I am amendable to that.” She said.
“What? NO.” James protested, “I can’t…”
“James, you wondered what it would be liked to be fucked by an animal. You were
drunk and were muttering shit as you took me.” Lily said, “Now is your chance
to try.” James looked between a leering Sirius and Lily who was flushed with
arousal, horrified, “Fine. I can’t believe I am doing this.” He whispered.
“Okay, Lily and Sirius, let’s take this to the bedroom, I don’t think I want to
get carpet burns.” Sirius shifted into Padfoot in yipped in agreement. James’s
eyes shifted to Padfoot’s engorged cock before quickly, almost guiltily,
looking away.
Lily followed at a sedate pace. Soon, they reached the bedroom and a still bare
Lily spread her long, snowy-white limbs invitingly to James. James’s cock began
to swell with arousal, but he still appeared nervous. “James,” Lily scolded,
“If you don’t put your fucking huge cock into me right now I’ll let Padfoot
have the pleasure.” James reacted immediately. He leaned over her sealing her
mouth with a desperate kiss as Padfoot jumped onto the bed. James stiffened,
but Lily bit his lip softly and he refocused. As he began to caress her breasts
and suckle on her neck, Padfoot began to lick James’s winking pink hole. James
had to stop himself from jumping or recoiling. As Padfoot’s tongue began to
penetrate him, James felt pleasure like never before. Lily was flushed with
arousal, moaning and panting, watching as Padfoot lapped at her husband’s ass.
She was sweat and begging him to fuck her when James finally slipped into her,
just as Padfoot positioned his slender, hot cock at James’s winking hole.
Padfoot slid in striking James’s prostrate in the same instant. James nearly
orgasms at the dual pleasure. They writhes together, hot and sensual, sweaty
and overly sensitive. They rocked and thrust and took and moaned. Finally,
James orgasms shooting his load into Lily. James’s anal walls clamped down on
Padfoot’s cock and the dog, who hadn’t meant to shoot his seed and knot in
James, does just that. The swollen knot in James’s passage strikes his
prostrate inciting another erection in him. For hours they continued and once
the sun began to rise, they finally broke apart. James’s hand slides down his
chest before pausing in shock to find his own bulging belly.
Since then, every two weeks or so, Padfoot is invited to join Mr. and Mrs.
Potter. Several months later it is just Padfoot and James as Lily is pregnant
with her and James’s baby. She pleasures herself as she watches. It is to her
amusement, some months later, as James complains through the floo to the
restaurant about food poisoning, that she turns to Sirius and says, “Wonder
when he will realize he is pregnant with your puppies.” She said. Sirius
chortled, “What an unexpected side effect, but I wonder if either of you
realize that our child will have very intelligent half-sibling dogs?” Sirius
and Lily break down in snickers.
“I wonder how James will explain being pregnant with puppies.” Sirius said,
“Did you make sure you weren't pregnant with Bambi?” He asked thoughtfully.
“Checked,” Lily all, but sung, “Very human baby.” She said.
So their baby boy grew up with puppies he called sister and brother.
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